I hate your forum. Please unban me! ;_;

That's about it--right there. As a matter of fact I may just wind up writing an entire series of articles on this subject. Heretofore I've written most of my pieces here about how to be a good forum/RPG manager. But most of us out there aren't managers on most forums we frequent or even any of them. We're members, those folks who just join a message board community to enjoy what it has to offer, make friends, roleplay, whatever. Forums offer a wide variety of things. But one thing any forum, of any size, brand or genre can become, is an abusive forum.

You get perma-banned for posting a typo/being "illiterate"/posting a topic in the wrong board by accident/Or maybe just because the admin was in a bad mood that day.

And next thing you know, you're begging them to let you back for more. You feel you can't live without your beloved community, who treats you like dirt but on a good day, say they love you and give you virtual cookies. Then they turn on a dime and you're insulted, banned, whatever. And you're in tears, begging again.

I've covered much of the warnings signs that an admin is moving into tyrannical or abusive territory, but haven't yet addressed their enablers--those hapless people who get tangled up in a community that does them more harm than good--yet they can't just leave.

Why?

Well, someone I was discussing this with likened it to a form of spousal abuse--why does an abused significant other, even one who's unmarried and without children or financial needs--keep on coming back anyway?

It just has to be plain old human psychology, turned around to become your worst enemy.

Let's see if I can use this blog to assist any of you out there who may be stuck wasting a large chunk of your time online {or even time overall} taking it up the rear from a forum community that is abusing you.

First, I will outline some of the signs that a forum's disciplinary policies or style may be abusive. Bear in mind there's a "sliding scale" of acceptability, occasional trolls or arguments happen everywhere, and ALL forums must keep the peace in order to be successful. Some message boards including RPGs are stricter than others, and there is nothing wrong with being strict, in and of itself. Some people prefer a high degree of limitation and order in an RPG in particular because of the way it might shape a game's atmosphere.

It's more in how these rules are enforced.

The number one easiest sign to see is insults, belittling, nastiness, putting people down. I mean if that's not the most effective form of abuse online I don't know what is. You can't hit someone through a computer but you can sure as hell berate them. And you should NEVER have to put up with it on an online community, unless of course you enjoy flame wars, and in that case, you know what you are getting into when you join THAT kind of a community.

This isn't about that. This is about, say, an RPG, for example, that purports to be friendly, helpful, creative and fun. Say you're new, and you broke a minor rule by accident, maybe you posted a RP post in the wrong style. How does the staff react? Is it like this:

"Hi, I see you're new here, welcome to the game. I just wanted to point out that posting in first person is against our rules here. Here's a link to our rules {link} and some examples of roleplaying threads using an acceptable style {links} I strongly recommend reviewing them, and if you have any questions just let us know."

Or like this:

"Um...ok...WOW. I see yet another illiterate n00b failed to even bother reading our rules. I truly pity you if you actually thought you were going to be able to keep up on our game. Try LOOKING around and reading the required material, and oh, also try writing at least a first grade level, your typos insult my intelligence."

I've seen examples of both on many different sites. If you see the first one, it's a good sign. If you see the second, don't walk away--run. Any staff member who treats someone like that at the outset isn't going to improve how they treat you later on.

Abuse isn't limited to staff either. A forum could have the nicest staff, and yet the members could be total monsters because the staff aren't on the ball. Poke around in the general board or other out of character area of the forum, where member interactions are freest and most obvious abuse, if any, tends to therefore take place. Is a typical new topic like this:

"Hey guys, how is everyone? I had a great time at the beach today, here's pictures my friend took of us parasailing!"

Or is it more like...

"Okay. I just want to make one thing clear. I CANNOT STAND HALF OF YOU GUYS ANYMORE! You whine and moan about your problems and then when someone tries to help, you screw it all up! I can't take it anymore and I hope you guys {You know who you are!} go to hell!"

Did a staff member do nothing to stop that second topic?

...Did a staff member POST that second topic?

First example=wonderful, typical fun topic for general discussion. Second one=if it isn't promptly removed and given a warning, you're on a forum with bad morale and it probably won't improve unless the site comes under new administration, which very rarely ever happens. You're best off heading for greener pastures.

What do your general experiences on the forum tend to be like? Do you take a verbal beating in the general board or get yanked around by passive-aggressive roleplaying partners who drag you into their drama and somehow manage to make you feel like a horrible human being, ending in you often signing off from the site in tears? Only to come back tomorrow, and present yourself for yet another round of abuse?

This...IS supposed to be an "escapist" hobby, right? I don't know about you, but I don't like escaping to something even worse than anything going on in my real life. If you are dealing with this on a forum, you're a victim of abuse. If you tolerate and engage in frequent fighting on the board when all you wanted to do was roleplay and joke around, you're a victim of abuse. If members and/or staff often put you down, call you illiterate, {Very common!} diss your writing style {I don't mean constructive criticism, I mean plain insults} you are being abused.

Every board has the occasional member who gets out of line, so if a member mistreats you, let the staff know. If it is clearly dealt with, and it doesn't happen again, then you can probably rest assured the problem was a one time issue. If you find yourself going up against this crap on a regular basis after that and staff just aren't doing anything--or worse, they're taking part in the insults--congratulations, you're a victim of an abusive forum.

And you and only you can stop it. If I were you, I'd handle it this way: the quick easy severing. Don't bother posting a long winded {or any} leaving note. Just hit the delete button on your account, and breathe a sigh of relief that never again will you have to subject yourself to abuse there.

Move on. There are literally thousands of other forums around, and hey, if you don't find one that's exactly to your liking, you can always make one =)

Stay tuned as I try to post up more about Abusive Forum Syndrome and how you can identify it, and break free of it. Let's start empowering ourselves by just saying no to abusive message board communities!